this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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