I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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