come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
