Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
