please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
