Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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