my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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