I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My balls are so social today.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
