The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
