your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
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