i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
