If i come over, it means nothing
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Less talking, more tequila
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
