Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
