Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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