Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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