So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
