I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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