please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
