I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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