As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize