You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
