i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
