Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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