then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
