Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
