I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
