Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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