I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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