farters have to be the big spoon...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
