Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
