R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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