You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Mom said you looked used
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
