So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
