I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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