Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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