just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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