I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
