I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
