You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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