Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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