My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
