Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
