i think i have herpe
just one?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
