walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
The beer is more important than you right now.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
