At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
