i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
