watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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