My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
