I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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