fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
