My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
