Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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