Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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