New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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