I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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