We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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