it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just invented taco cereal.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
